tooth hurty

After the needles administering the local anaesthetic had left the room, I was left to contemplate the sheer terror bubbling through my lungs.

The dental artiste had used logic to win my consent to the procedure, leaving nothing in me but an empty quiver.

So i lay there, staring at the comfort artwork on the wall. It was a soothing painting of an iceberg, its tip bobbing languidly on the surface while its mangled root plumbed the depths in a dark quiet pain.

Unsoothed, I chose instead to close my eyes and conjure something tasteful within. Here is what I found:

In the days before anesthetics and dental artistes, people had to extract their wisdom teeth any way they could. The preferred method must surely have been
1. To find a bottle of whiskey or gin, and drink it.
2. Then take four pieces of piano wire, wrap them around each of your offending teeth.
3. Gather four horses and attach each tooth to one of them.
4. Fetch your loudest gun.
1.5 Actually, you better get your gun before you tie yourself to four horses.
5. Stand tall, then shoot yourself directly in the foot. The pain in your foot will distract you from your horsebolt face.
6. Then you faint and someone brings you another cheaper bottle of whiskey or gin for if you ever wake up.


Needless to say that I cried and fainted, and at $800 I found the whole experience to be somewhat overpriced.