Road Rules

I went on an ANZAC day surfari, and jings me diggers was it crowded! Allow me to share with you my findings about negotiating surfing on crowded public holidays.

First, you arrive at the beach. You stand at the brow of the cliff and look down at the surfing panorama. You think to yourself, “fuck this wetsuit is tight, I must look really hot right now.” You also think, “sunglasses off, check.” Then you try and assess where you will surf. You start by looking for the shit-hot waves near the point with the cleanest breaks coming in the straightest lines. You momentarily pine, then look away. Shit hot waves belong to shit hot surfers. Not you.

You then look around to find the churningest, sloppiest swell and say “hello soup”, for that is where you will be surfing. With all the learners and other losers. Forget you ever saw those sweet breaks, they do not belong to you.

Then when you enter to water, you look for the place that is totally empty of people. Usually there is an empty place hosting a fuckoff rip and a family of sharks. That place is where you will be starting. Once you’re in, and you’ve gotten the worst surf- moves of the day out of your system, it’s time to edge into the throng, where the less awful waves are.

Only this time, it’s different. Would you believe that I’m no longer the worst surfer in the water? I have improved so much that people were crashing into me, and it was their fault! It’s a true sign of my personal growth that someone apologised to me because they're a big loser. It meant that for that tiny moment, I was the better surfer! I am so hooked that I can’t think straight. Not that straight is my strong suit, but you know what I mean.